is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
