When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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