i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
There's always time for handjobs
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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