Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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