She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Can you bring me the toilet please
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
