So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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