Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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