phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
