we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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