But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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