I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize