Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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