See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
