Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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