Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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