if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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