Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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