Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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