hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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