I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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