i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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