I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
