We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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