God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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