just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
