yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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