god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
