last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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