You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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