Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
