I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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