So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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