Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
