This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
