no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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