I accidentally had phone sex last night
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
