we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
