Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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