I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
