The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
