it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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