i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize