I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
