but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
