I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize