Just fell off a train. Bad.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
All I want is dick and wine.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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