Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
