I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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