we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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