got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
