My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
