I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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