Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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