batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I can't turn off my feet"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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