Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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