I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
