i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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