you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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