he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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