it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The struggles of a small town man whore
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