i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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