yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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