she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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