They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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