Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
