if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm eating all of the evidence.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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