The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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