Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Four minutes until I can fart!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
