curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
