your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
