So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
