Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
